Everything doesn’t have to be amazing all the time

Over the last months, my body went through quite some changes due to my pregnancy. It’s easy to get lost in the moment, caught in strong emotions or thought patterns, and lose sight of the bigger picture. But with the daily work of aiming for a sense of acceptance, there is a beautiful place, where one no longer yearns for perfection, or for things “to be the way they have been”: There is a place of peace within, which is shielded and protected from the world by a tightly spun net of breath, meditation and mindfulness. 

As I'm writing I am 30 weeks pregnant, and deeply grateful to be experiencing this miracle of pregnancy again. Even though I am expecting my second child, it is in fact my third pregnancy: 

The first time I got pregnant, I had a miscarriage early in my pregnancy. Despite the fact that I was only in the 8th week of my pregnancy, it took me quite some time to grieve our loss, to heal physically and emotionally and to eventually get pregnant again. I am sharing this with you in in case you also had a miscarriage, or any difficulties in getting pregnant. And I hope you don’t feel as left alone with this sensitive and vulnerable topic, as many women do: How do we describe a pain to the world that often rejects these spirits as being souls who we have to grief? It is challenging to grief someone that hasn’t found his or her human form yet, and equally as challenging to imagine what that might be like. For me, it felt like losing a person, a human potential which chose to move on without me.

 In the weeks after a miscarriage, many women experience a roller coaster of emotions and are going through hormonal shifts as their bodies readjust to not being pregnant. It's a challenging time for both the woman and her partner on so many levels. After some time of grieving and retreating at home alone, I felt the desire to share my personal experience with my friends, especially female friends- not only to seek comfort and understanding, but also to hear similar experiences. Surprisingly, a lot of my girlfriends had also gone through tough times: difficulties of getting pregnant, experiences of miscarriage  traumatic birth stories or postnatal depression. Once we initiate a conversation about pregnancy, fertility, childbirth, etc., there are so many touching stories and experiences to hear. You would be surprised. 

I personally believe that our first child decided to move on and not to incarnate on this planet earth. She or he is and always will be a part of our little family, and I want to acknowledge this human spirit, even though he or she never began a worldly life. 

Obviously, every woman and every pregnancy feels different and has a story on it’s own. While my second pregnancy was infused with a lot of worries due to the experienced miscarriage, vaginal bleedings in the first trimester and general insecurities as a newly-mom-to-be, I still enjoyed almost every moment of my pregnancy. I was so proud to finally become a mom and to carry and grow another being inside myself. Since I was a little girl, I always knew that I wanted to be a mother one day. I obviously just had to find the "right" partner first. And that took some time until I finally met him in NYC in 2010. It's a beautiful love story that I'm happy to share with you another time.

Everything felt right and fell into place when we got pregnant. I even enjoyed all the changes, my body was going through as I was proudly carrying that growing baby bump. 

My mother-in-law warned me that I shouldn't worry about my weight (which I admit I normally do) as I would probably gain around 10 kilos throughout pregnancy, and she was more than right: It took less then six months to get there, and i took her advice to heart and didn’t worry AT. ALL. 

Whether it was in my own yoga practice and job as a yoga teacher, my diet (no caffeine and alcohol), easing up on traveling (no flights in the third trimester) or buying beautiful, flowy (aka bigger!) clothes: Everything felt new, fresh and exciting and I didn't want to miss a second of it.

This time around, everything feels different.

There is the  obvious fact that I'm already a mom of a 5 1/2 year old girl and that I am 39 years old. There is the deadly pandemic situation, which comes with restrictions, rules and major changes to everyday life.

Then there is my internal world, contrasting how I perceived our second pregnancy: My body feels foreign, different, bigger, and this time I struggle to embrace it as I did a little over six years ago. The weight that grounded me when I was expecting the last time, is now pulling me down. Rationally I know that I don't need to worry. My screenings go well, my midwife monitors us closely, I am healthy.

But emotionally and physically, I feel quite uncomfortable and challenged by the fact that my body is changing so drastically even though I'm eating as healthy as possible, moving a lot with my daughter and practicing yoga daily. 

It’s a privilege to be given the time and space to take such care of myself through Yoga, meditation, pranayama and rest.In taking selfcare, I feel I can create space that allows me to let go of those negative feelings and “energy robbers” and accept them as part of the process - with all it’s ups and downs. There is and always will be something ‘off’ whether you are looking for perfection. This may come in the form of looking for the right moment to do - really - anything, the right job, the right partner, the right amount of money in your bank account to start X or begin Y.

Intellectually I understand that this concept is fraud, but to feel it, to embrace it emotionally, needs practice. The shift of perception from wanting to change and fix the outer world, towards being at ease and moving closer towards the inner landscape of our true being that is not affected by anything from the outside is a tall order and requires continuous practice.

So is leaning into change.

Our physical bodies are developing and changing since the moment of conception until the moment of decay after death. Change simply invites us to let go of any attachments as it's a natural process we cannot really fight against. Of course, we can delay the process of aging if we live a healthy lifestyle and are genetically well disposed. But we cannot completely escape it. We have to accept change. We have to learn to adapt. We have to learn to lean into our discomfort. And we have to learn to live with the present moment and everything that comes along with it. 

These days, I am grateful to be welcoming another human being into the world. And I am deeply uncomfortable with how my body feels sometimes. I am delighted by my growing bump, and the way my family shows its excitement for the baby to join us. And I am also afraid, annoyed and miserable at times. The art is living this beautiful concept of “Both, and”, instead of “Either, or”. I don’t have to decide, I can existed in between. 

 It's part of who I am, part of my individual journey and part of the transformation I'm going through right now to become another being's mom. It's a conscious decision to embrace it all. To see each person, each situation, each challenge, each change as a teacher to grow and transform into a more elevated state of being. The only way out of my negative belief systems and uncomfortable feelings that come along with pregnancy or any other life changing situation is to invite them in - all of them. The voices that tell me that the future looks beautiful and bright and exciting, and the ones that are scared, worried and doubtful. As William James stated: "If you can change your mind, you can change your life". 

I promise to practice gratitude and embrace all as it is: a big miracle.